Memo from my company

Important notice to all employees.
Company policy: Effective from 1st March 2007.

Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing too well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore, you do not need a raise to teach you a lesson. If you dress just rightly, you are right where you need to be and you do not need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctors statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Annual Leave Days
Each employee will receive 96 Annual Leave days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for the dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.

Toilet Use
Too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your 2nd offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes as they need to eat more. Normal size people get 15 minutes to get a balanced meal. Chubby people get 5 minutes because that is all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive and interesting employment experience.

The Management